I don’t know if reading chicken soup stories or watching Mujeres, Casos de la Vida Real (if you know you know) had anything to do with my ability to overcome toxic relationships at a young age, but I was done with them right around high school graduation. Some women get stuck in the cycle of a bad relationship. Toxic relationships, when are they really over?
15-Year-Old Toxic Relationship
Melinda met Jake when they were 19. They began dating, and things seemed to be turning serious, so she decided to tell him the truth about her job. She was a happy ending masseuse. He thought that was so cool and sexy. At 19, of course, it is. His first question, “Do you do girl-on-girl stuff?” She said sometimes, and that it was called four hands, and that guys paid extra for that kind of stuff.
Fast forward ten years, and they’re married with two kids and a house. She’s still in the business, which allows her the flexibility to be there for her kids and help with her share of the bills. He still has no objection to her work, perhaps because he didn’t think it fair to be the sole provider, or maybe his work didn’t generate enough income to cover costs, or maybe their marriage didn’t conform to societal norms. From the outside, this marriage seemed fine. From the inside, things look a little different.
She had begged him to quit smoking for the sake of their youngest, who had severe asthma. He refused. It was a 50/50 marriage. They both covered the costs and had separate bank accounts, not because he couldn’t afford their expenses, but because he believed it was fair. It was starting to dawn on Melinda that the hero she was waiting for to save her from a life of need wasn’t going to come.
Guilt-trip
Melinda and Jake discussed it repeatedly. Should they have a threesome? Melinda wasn’t so sure, but Jake said it was only fair since she was a body rub artist. Why could she be intimate with men, and he not have the same options? She couldn’t find her voice to tell him that she didn’t do it out of pleasure; she did it to survive. Melinda did it because he depended on her to cover half of the bills. Berate her if she didn’t pull her own weight. And if she really had to be honest with herself, she had to admit that he liked to think of her as promiscuous. Melinda didn’t know why that held so much weight in her decision to keep working.
After months of deliberation, prompted by Jake’s persistent requests, Melinda finally agreed. They got on Craigslist that night and found a young woman to meet.
The date was set. They would meet her for dinner and see how it went. If all went well, they would go back to their place. The kids were scheduled to be at their grandparents on that night. As the date drew closer, Melinda’s doubts grew, but the overwhelming guilt she felt wouldn’t allow her to back out.
One Time
Dinner went well enough. Melinda was able to relax and enjoy the extra company after a glass of wine. She didn’t know why, but Jake took a backseat during dinner and allowed her to call all the shots. When the waiter walked over with the check, he looked at her intensely and glanced over at their guest. She looked over at their extra companion and asked her if she would like to come over to their house. She felt her heart racing. The smile and nod she gave made her stomach drop. Melinda could feel Jake’s energy shift.
It happened just like you would expect, with one exception. They had both agreed that it would happen in the living room, not the bedroom. For some reason, Melinda thought it would keep this experience from affecting her too much in how she viewed Jake and herself.
When it was all over, they all put their clothes back on. Since it was so late, they offered her the couch, which she seemed thankful for, and gave her a pillow and blanket. They said goodnight, and both Jake and Melinda went upstairs to bed.
One Time To Many
Something woke her up. Melinda looked over at the clock across the bedroom. It was early. She turned around and found Jake missing. She looked towards the bathroom but didn’t see any movement or lights. She got up and went in search of Jake. Melinda was quiet as she walked down the stairs. She heard noises coming from the living room. Maybe what she did next was because she was scared of what she would find, but she called out Jake’s name. As she got closer to the living room, she heard shuffling. She called out his name again as she entered the living room. There they were lying on the couch together, like nothing had happened. They said good morning to her.
Good morning. She had a feeling they had just finished having sex, but she didn’t want to believe that. She said she would go make coffee. When their guest finally left, she asked Jake what he was doing on the couch with her that morning. “We had sex. I didn’t think you would mind since we did it last night.” Melinda was bewildered by his nonchalant tone. “I do mind. The only reason we had sex with her was because we were both there. We did it together.” He just said sorry, drank his coffee, and went upstairs to take a shower.
Is It Over?
After an ugly custody battle that lasted a couple of years, Melinda was able to keep her children and became a nurse. Last I spoke to her she was doing great and had found love.
