This week, I got to thinking about something one of my girlfriends said. Lucy and her baby girl were over for a play date at my sister’s house. She mentioned that her sister-in-law was in labor, so she was checking her phone frequently while waiting for an update. And we all got to talking like besties do. I will preface that she loves her brother and talks about how hard he works all the time. Lucy’s genuine concern is for her brother being loved and taken care of.
A little background on her brother and sister-in-law. It’s the typical scenario: he works full-time, and she is a stay-at-home wife. According to Lucy, SIL doesn’t have any ambitions and doesn’t do much around the house either. She doesn’t do the dishes or do the laundry.
Now, before you say anything, I want to remind all my outside-the-box thinkers that I live in rural Kentucky, and roles can be more traditional here than in other parts of the country. A lot of women here are raised to love and fill these roles, which is completely 100% acceptable. There is nothing wrong with that. NOTHING.
Back to my story: my girlfriend had just said that her sister-in-law wasn’t fulfilling her role as a stay-at-home wife, essentially. My immediate reaction (to myself, because my opinion isn’t the end-all be-all, so I don’t shove it down people’s throats) was that being a stay-at-home wife doesn’t automatically mean you take on all domestic chores. Her statement gave me something to think about for sure. So then I said, maybe having a baby and being a mom will help her grow into it.
I don’t know why I said that. No, I do know. As a mother, you will most often be the default parent. The responsibility and natural instinct to nurture your children are embedded in us. That can look different for everyone. But it most certainly changes you, and for most of us, that is growth. I do want to add a small perspective, being a mother and raising children can make you grow, but that doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t evolve if you don’t have any children. She nodded and said, “Yeah, that’s what we’re all hoping for.”
I have been mulling this over for a week now, and I thought I would l love to hear your thoughts. But first, some perspective. The reason I was so intrigued by this conversation is that Lucy has a career and is a mom and a wife, so her take on her SIL’s domestic responsibilities surprised me.
You see, Lucy goes to work. Part-time because that’s the way she likes it. She can have the best of both worlds. She can be proud of herself for doing something she believes in, and when she’s done, she can come home and be a mom and a wife. But why does she, a career woman, feel like her SIL is falling short on her domestic responsibilities? I had to ask.
She’s a stay-at-home wife who claims they live traditionally, but they do all domestic chores separately. It’s like they’re roommates, and that confuses me. It makes me sad for my brother, who works all week and then comes home and does everything around the house. I would like to see him taken care of too.
Now, should a stay-at-home wife or stay-at-home mom do 100% of the domestic chores/labor? Cooking all the meals? Doing all the dishes? Doing all the laundry? Cleaning the whole house? Raising the children? Just because she doesn’t work outside the home? Because let’s be clear, running a home is work, and it never stops.
Lucy takes on much of the household labor, even though she works. And I wondered if she minded or preferred it. Mind you, we’re all different. Some couples prefer to outsource household chores, such as cleaning or cooking.
I work part time and do everything in the house…I prefer doing the meals and cleaning. I want it done my way. I like making meals for Tom (her husband) and making things from scratch. If I worked full time I would do less. Tom is constantly offering to help me and will do more around the house if I ask him to or if I wasn’t able to get to it... But I’m stubborn, if he expected me to do it, I probably wouldn’t do it, she laughs.
Does preferring to take on 100% of household labor look upon favorably, versus saying, “No, I think it falls on both of us regardless of financial contribution”? Is it only acceptable to be a stay-at-home wife/mom as long as you’re willing to take on the household labor? And if you’re not, then are you contributing?
I am curious about how other women see this dynamic and whether it is tied to where we live or to our age. As for Lucy, she is in her late 20s and was born and raised in the Bible Belt. This was her take.
Depends on what type of marriage you have. Some people don’t believe in the tradional aspect at all and I think that’s fine as long as you’re both on the same page. Aren’t we a team when we get married?
Marriages come in all different shades. They are unique to every individual. Lucy and Tom have a marriage that works for them, and that is the lens through which Lucy sees marriage. She knows what type of wife and mother she is and only wishes that her SIL would show up in her marriage the way she shows up in hers. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you and your spouse are reading from the same playbook.
