“Pep” to Pap Smear

I canceled my gynecologist appointment for the millionth time this week. I do this every year up until my sister or husband convinces me to go. The dreaded pap smear, or what I call a “pep” to pap smear, is because I always give myself a much-needed pep talk beforehand. No one seems to talk about how SA survivors are coping with annual exams.

I was 27 when I had my first gynecologist appointment. At that time, I had not sought help for the trauma I was carrying around, and like most who experience SA trauma, it was constantly bubbling over into places where it did not belong. On the day of my appointment, I woke up feeling anxious, so much so that I was sweating slightly. Although I’d never had a pelvic exam before, my mind knew what an unwanted touch felt like. What an intrusion of privacy was. What a violation of intimacy could draw from me.

When we got to the appointment, my husband knew what I was feeling and held my hand throughout the whole process. I thought that I could have done it alone, and maybe if I hadn’t had the choice of having him there, I would’ve coped fine, but he was there, and I was so glad that he was. I dissociated from that moment and focused on his hand holding mine. That got me through it.

I have since gotten the help I needed and gained coping skills that have helped me move through life much easier in these situations. The “pep” to pap smear pep talk is one of them. I tell myself I am safe. I mentally walk through the whole visit. I touch myself, running my hands from my face to my knees to stay preset. I always finish with, “You are safe.”

I did my part as a patient. I did the work, but I do feel that providers, some more than others, forget that one out of four women are SA’ed. That one mere statistic alone should be a reason to pay more attention to how we interact with our patients. We are all fighting private battles; some can feel like a full-fledged war. Talking patients through every touch and going the extra step in asking for permission can help survivors gain what they lost. Their autonomy.

Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about the trials you face with what some see as a simple task. It takes courage to speak to your provider about how you wish to be treated on your regular visits. Explain to them your hesitations and worries about physical touch and what are some ways you both can navigate through this experience together. It might seem easier said than done, but we have to start healing ourselves one conversation at a time. I still get anxious before every visit, but I know I am getting to the other side slowly but surely.

Be brave and join the conversation.